I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
