dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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