Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
