My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
