my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
