Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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