Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
