I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
