Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
