What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
