just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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