I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
