I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
