well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
