please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
