the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize