Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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