The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
