i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
