you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
