I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
FUCK WHALES
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
