I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
