This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
