I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pants are for mortals
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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