I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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