she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
