somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize