Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
