Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
