party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize