apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
