its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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