wanna go halves on a baby?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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