I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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