If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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