Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
