they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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