Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
