I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
