i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
