If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
