i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
