When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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