just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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