Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
