I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
