False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
