So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Someone came in the potted fern
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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