you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
