I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
