My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
