You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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