How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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