It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
