No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
