matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I wish there were birth control emojis
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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