Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Maybe he injected his testicle?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
