you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
