If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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