Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
