Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you win again, gameday.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
