I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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